Schinken Kasemaker Schinken Kasemaker was born a poor Oriental man in the rice fields near the Black Forest outside Heidelberg, Germany. That is until he realized that he and his family were, in fact, Caucasian, and that his entire birth story was a nonsequitor created by his intelligence-challenged father Dumkoff Kasemaker. At an early age, Schinken became very pleased with himself and his appearance (a trait he keeps to this day), and pretty much assumed the rest of the world saw him as he saw himself. He traveled throughout Europe in his developmental years with his best friend and fellow countryman Pahk Yur Karkis. Ultimately, Karkis returned to Germany to fulfill his life-long dream of becoming an undertaker; after spending years with Schinken, Karkis decided he needed to get less out of life. Schinken returned to Germany for a time and spent most of it in Hamburg. There, he became an acting phenomenon earning the title “The Ham of Hamburg.” Schinken left Germany for good when he realized that there was no one as talented or as good looking as himself. Upon reaching Italy, he considered joining a monastery in Rome only to find that brown was not his color. He then sailed to Scotland, where in a tavern in Glasgow, he saw the visage of someone almost as beautiful as himself. When he sobered up, he realized he had been staring in the tavern mirror all night. It was here that he met Wayward MacBean, who convinced him to join the merry madrigalists. The other group members usually have to ply Schinken with vast quantities of drink before performances so he’ll come down off his cloud long enough to sing with the group. But they do what they must because the show must go on.